What is enmeshment?
It’s when you’re sense of self, emotions and responsibility are too connected to other people that it becomes toxic or maladaptive and causes negative effects.
It often comes from childhood - a child is by definition dependent on others and relies on them for their needs and it is usually outgrown but for many people its not outgrown but continues into romantic relationships as they become an adult.
It can sometimes feel like closeness, but that is because you don’t know any different. Often people who are used to enmeshed relationships attract to each other or recreate it.
What are the signs of enmeshment?
Signs of enmeshment include:
Not being able to be fully yourself without the other
A sense of losing yourself
A sense of anxiety
What’s the difference between enmeshment and interdependence?
There is often a very fine line between the two, and different cultures experience it differently. In Asia relationships tend to be more closer and boundaries different to the west, so it is culturally specific too.
The main question is if there are any negative effects, usually signaled by a loss of energy, and if establishing stronger boundaries could result in a more functioning relationship.
My own experience
For my own experience it manifested in many relationships personally and professionally which led to a loss of energy and sub-optimal outcomes, being too involved and responsible for others problems and solving them, which drew me in and also led to anxiety and not being able to be free. I sought out more time on my own to reclaim that energy instead of fixing that problem and having stronger boundaries.
Being aware of it helped me see a sudden boost of energy but solving it wasn’t immediate as it took time to learn boundaries and recalibrate with periods of relapses falling back into old habits, and spending some healthy time spent on my own helped so I could come back and know who I really was.
What are boundaries?
It’s basically where expectations or responsibility or emotions are separated from others which gives people their own independence and autonomy.
How to recover from enmeshment?
Identifying it is the most important part, when you identify it you can know this is something you can improve and unlock to a higher level of growth.
Identify it (as above) - this is the most important part.
A period of withdrawal or establishing boundaries - this can be a challenging part as a sudden change is rarely possible, it must go through a series of steps or takes some time, possibly for up to a year or more depending on the level. Being aware of the issue is the main thing that helps you make progress. Going too fast or too far the wrong direction
The new normal is when you are all fully differentiated. It often results in the optimum level of energy and relationships.
Then you can work on other areas of self-improvement - of which I’m sure there are infinite - starting with whatever is the number one bottleneck at the time.
Tips
One thing that helped me is to just consciously draw boundaries and withdraw energy from others to focus and listen to myself and think what I really think first.
More resources
There are many videos on Youtube and resources online about this.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=enmeshment
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Disclaimer - this is all from personal experience and reading online and may not be accurate.